Cautiously

In case you missed it, the posts on this this blog since January were all of the "woe is me, where is God, this world sucks" kind of posts. The reason for that is irrelevant,  however, the lessons learned are too important to not share.

I am also ready to share it, because I have been given permission to "cautiously have a drink to celebrate." 

The Summary:
I basically have am idyllic life: loving and hard-working husband, who also happens to be kind and patient, two beautiful, energetic, smart, and sweet children.  Even one of each gender! My parents and siblings are all in good health, and our relationships are sound. I have a job that is flexible and I also happen to like it.  Like my dear sister said, "Your life has been entirely too easy."

Then my misery started. I started to resent my life and everything in it. It is really not good when a psychiatrist starts to resent her picture perfect life.  There were days that I was sobbing in between sessions, on the shoulders of my colleagues.  They told me, "You need to go on vacation, you are becoming unglued." I thought, "No sh*t.  I am completely losing it. Look at me." This wasn't quite something I would say to a colleague, and so I often said, "I know! But alas, I am headed to a hockey tourney next time I am going away." Then I had to wipe my face off, and greet the next person enthusiastically with, "Hi! Come on in!" Meanwhile, I was thinking, "I need to find help for myself."

The stuff I had learned about so that I can do my job became much more interesting .  For instance, the five stages of grief according to Dr. Kubler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance felt applicable.  However, I was unconvinced that I would ever accept it. As a catastrophizing kind of person, I don't do denial often. Instead, I experienced plenty of anger, then I bargained, then I felt so sad, and acceptance seemed impossible. 

I also spent a lot of time reading about my misery. I learned that this misery brings on more misery- really encouraging stuff. During this time, I told Hubby, "I hate discouraging people. They suck."

At the beginning of May, I thought it was going to be over.  Oh, but that was not meant to be. I was thrown back in the land of misery.  MISERY. MISERY!!!!

Obviously, I asked God and His people how to cope with this. My dear comrades told me to read specific parts of the Bible, such as James.  I read the book of Job, instead.  I read it over and over again. I also read Eugene Peterson's introduction to his translation of the book of Job in The Message.

"Perhaps the greatest mystery in suffering is how it can bring a person into the presence of God in a state of worship, full of wonder, love and praise." I didn't quite feel wonder, love and praise the first time I read about Job's plight.  I mainly sobbed through it.

I cried a lot. I once sat in the car, talked to my darling sister, and used up all the Kleenex in the car. I had to move onto PAPER TOWELS.  It was a dark day.  I was SO incredibly angry, angry at everyone, even my kind, wonderful, loving, sweet, family.

Yet, in the midst of all this, I had to continue with the feeding and caring of them. I had to drive Aidan to hockey practice, Zoe to ballet. I made muffins, I went to church. We hired sitters and went out on dates.  It was quite weird to experience so much suffering, yet so much of life just went on.

As I am now cautiously moving beyond all this, I have to say that I have never experienced God like this.

Even as I sobbed through the Book of Job, I could sleep at night. When I decided that I wanted the wonder, love and praise that Eugene talked about, God gave it to me. Every night, I decided to just read something in the Bible. I had no specific plans, but that I wanted this wonder, love and praise. I started with the first few Psalms, then I felt compelled to read Isaiah 40.

"God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And He knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles. They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind."

Then Jeremiah 29.

"Build houses and make yourselves at home. Put in gardens and eat what grows in that country. Marry and have children. Encourage your children to marry and have children so you'll thrive in that country and not waste away. Make yourselves at home there and work for the country's welfare.Pray for Babylon's well being. If things go well for Babylon, things will go well for you... I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I will listen."

Then I thought I would read the Lord's Prayer, then I just felt that I needed to read all of the Beatitudes. Then the rest of the book of Matthew.

It. Was/Is. Really. Weird. Amazingly weird. I got invited to a birthday party, and I cried at the birthday party about my thing.  Somehow, God had taken away my anger, and while I still felt so sad, I didn't have to call this suffering anymore.  It was just a thing. A thing that needed God's provision.  Then I had dinner with two wise women, (and I think they actually have suffered) and it was indeed full of that wonder, love, and praise. 

Like I said, weird, weird, stuff.

I remembered what Corrie Ten Boom said about her Bible when she was at Ravensbruck, a concentration camp in Germany. "Sometimes I would slip the Bible from its little sack with hands that shook, so mysterious had it become to me. It was new; it had just been written. I marveled sometimes that the ink was dry. I had believed the Bible always, but reading it now had nothing to do with belief."

My thing definitely was not of the concentration camp proportions of suffering, I mean, nobody died. Yet God gave me mercy, that His word was just so new, so pertinent, so timely.

When it all started, I had called a sweet friend, (again, someone who actually had experienced true suffering) to ask her, just how did she live through her suffering. She said, "The Spirit. It will come to you. You will see."

Indeed, God sent many angels to me, and He sent Himself.  It was weird, marvelous, and full of wonder, love, so that I can truly praise Him. 

Contentment

There is a book on our bookshelf about contentment, and the title is either The Gift of Contentment or Christian Contentment, or maybe Contentment as lived by Puritans. Clearly, I have not read this book. Perhaps if I read this book and prayerfully considered it, my life would be much different: I would be content. This weekend, a few of my friends reached some major milestones in life. There is a med school friend who got married, an undergrad friend who welcomed her first baby. Of course, this is June after all, I keep seeing pictures of various graduations on Facebook. There is even a car all decorated for graduation on our street. I am green with envy. I know, it is weird. I am thankful that I no longer have finals to study for, so why would I want to be a newly minted high school graduate? I am relieved that I don't have to get up at night with a newborn, so why would I be envious for the life of a new mother? As for my covetous thoughts of being a bride, who wouldn't want to be a bride? While Hubby always say that I will forever be his bride when I say something about this, I sure could use a new wedding registry! Although I will readily admit, I don't really want to go back to the time when we fought as newly weds. Arguing now in our 12-13 year old marriage is much better: we get to the point SO MUCH FASTER! Is it obvious? I want other people's lives even though I have lived through their stages of life and know about its excitement and travails. Presently, I am feeling discouraged, disappointed, and disillusioned. Don't get me wrong, my two cute kids are healthy and happy, Hubby is healthy and "very happy." (I just asked him.) I am mostly amazed at all the grace and mercy God has showered upon me. Still, I am discouraged, disappointed and disillusioned. (It is probably not a great thing when one's therapist is living through life experiencing mostly the "dis.") I am simply discontent. (There is another "dis" word!) My parents told me to read the book of James. Funny thing- our small group spent the last 9 months reading through the book of James. (God's timing is impeccable.) Some mature friends from church told me to "figure out what recharges you." I think, God is telling me that I can't possibly become more content on my own, I can't work at being more content. It is like telling someone who is hungry, "Just don't think about it." What I need is to seek shelter in Jesus. I need more of Jesus to be recharged. I will let you know how it goes.