Cautiously

In case you missed it, the posts on this this blog since January were all of the "woe is me, where is God, this world sucks" kind of posts. The reason for that is irrelevant,  however, the lessons learned are too important to not share.

I am also ready to share it, because I have been given permission to "cautiously have a drink to celebrate." 

The Summary:
I basically have am idyllic life: loving and hard-working husband, who also happens to be kind and patient, two beautiful, energetic, smart, and sweet children.  Even one of each gender! My parents and siblings are all in good health, and our relationships are sound. I have a job that is flexible and I also happen to like it.  Like my dear sister said, "Your life has been entirely too easy."

Then my misery started. I started to resent my life and everything in it. It is really not good when a psychiatrist starts to resent her picture perfect life.  There were days that I was sobbing in between sessions, on the shoulders of my colleagues.  They told me, "You need to go on vacation, you are becoming unglued." I thought, "No sh*t.  I am completely losing it. Look at me." This wasn't quite something I would say to a colleague, and so I often said, "I know! But alas, I am headed to a hockey tourney next time I am going away." Then I had to wipe my face off, and greet the next person enthusiastically with, "Hi! Come on in!" Meanwhile, I was thinking, "I need to find help for myself."

The stuff I had learned about so that I can do my job became much more interesting .  For instance, the five stages of grief according to Dr. Kubler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance felt applicable.  However, I was unconvinced that I would ever accept it. As a catastrophizing kind of person, I don't do denial often. Instead, I experienced plenty of anger, then I bargained, then I felt so sad, and acceptance seemed impossible. 

I also spent a lot of time reading about my misery. I learned that this misery brings on more misery- really encouraging stuff. During this time, I told Hubby, "I hate discouraging people. They suck."

At the beginning of May, I thought it was going to be over.  Oh, but that was not meant to be. I was thrown back in the land of misery.  MISERY. MISERY!!!!

Obviously, I asked God and His people how to cope with this. My dear comrades told me to read specific parts of the Bible, such as James.  I read the book of Job, instead.  I read it over and over again. I also read Eugene Peterson's introduction to his translation of the book of Job in The Message.

"Perhaps the greatest mystery in suffering is how it can bring a person into the presence of God in a state of worship, full of wonder, love and praise." I didn't quite feel wonder, love and praise the first time I read about Job's plight.  I mainly sobbed through it.

I cried a lot. I once sat in the car, talked to my darling sister, and used up all the Kleenex in the car. I had to move onto PAPER TOWELS.  It was a dark day.  I was SO incredibly angry, angry at everyone, even my kind, wonderful, loving, sweet, family.

Yet, in the midst of all this, I had to continue with the feeding and caring of them. I had to drive Aidan to hockey practice, Zoe to ballet. I made muffins, I went to church. We hired sitters and went out on dates.  It was quite weird to experience so much suffering, yet so much of life just went on.

As I am now cautiously moving beyond all this, I have to say that I have never experienced God like this.

Even as I sobbed through the Book of Job, I could sleep at night. When I decided that I wanted the wonder, love and praise that Eugene talked about, God gave it to me. Every night, I decided to just read something in the Bible. I had no specific plans, but that I wanted this wonder, love and praise. I started with the first few Psalms, then I felt compelled to read Isaiah 40.

"God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And He knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles. They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind."

Then Jeremiah 29.

"Build houses and make yourselves at home. Put in gardens and eat what grows in that country. Marry and have children. Encourage your children to marry and have children so you'll thrive in that country and not waste away. Make yourselves at home there and work for the country's welfare.Pray for Babylon's well being. If things go well for Babylon, things will go well for you... I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I will listen."

Then I thought I would read the Lord's Prayer, then I just felt that I needed to read all of the Beatitudes. Then the rest of the book of Matthew.

It. Was/Is. Really. Weird. Amazingly weird. I got invited to a birthday party, and I cried at the birthday party about my thing.  Somehow, God had taken away my anger, and while I still felt so sad, I didn't have to call this suffering anymore.  It was just a thing. A thing that needed God's provision.  Then I had dinner with two wise women, (and I think they actually have suffered) and it was indeed full of that wonder, love, and praise. 

Like I said, weird, weird, stuff.

I remembered what Corrie Ten Boom said about her Bible when she was at Ravensbruck, a concentration camp in Germany. "Sometimes I would slip the Bible from its little sack with hands that shook, so mysterious had it become to me. It was new; it had just been written. I marveled sometimes that the ink was dry. I had believed the Bible always, but reading it now had nothing to do with belief."

My thing definitely was not of the concentration camp proportions of suffering, I mean, nobody died. Yet God gave me mercy, that His word was just so new, so pertinent, so timely.

When it all started, I had called a sweet friend, (again, someone who actually had experienced true suffering) to ask her, just how did she live through her suffering. She said, "The Spirit. It will come to you. You will see."

Indeed, God sent many angels to me, and He sent Himself.  It was weird, marvelous, and full of wonder, love, so that I can truly praise Him. 

Contentment

There is a book on our bookshelf about contentment, and the title is either The Gift of Contentment or Christian Contentment, or maybe Contentment as lived by Puritans. Clearly, I have not read this book. Perhaps if I read this book and prayerfully considered it, my life would be much different: I would be content. This weekend, a few of my friends reached some major milestones in life. There is a med school friend who got married, an undergrad friend who welcomed her first baby. Of course, this is June after all, I keep seeing pictures of various graduations on Facebook. There is even a car all decorated for graduation on our street. I am green with envy. I know, it is weird. I am thankful that I no longer have finals to study for, so why would I want to be a newly minted high school graduate? I am relieved that I don't have to get up at night with a newborn, so why would I be envious for the life of a new mother? As for my covetous thoughts of being a bride, who wouldn't want to be a bride? While Hubby always say that I will forever be his bride when I say something about this, I sure could use a new wedding registry! Although I will readily admit, I don't really want to go back to the time when we fought as newly weds. Arguing now in our 12-13 year old marriage is much better: we get to the point SO MUCH FASTER! Is it obvious? I want other people's lives even though I have lived through their stages of life and know about its excitement and travails. Presently, I am feeling discouraged, disappointed, and disillusioned. Don't get me wrong, my two cute kids are healthy and happy, Hubby is healthy and "very happy." (I just asked him.) I am mostly amazed at all the grace and mercy God has showered upon me. Still, I am discouraged, disappointed and disillusioned. (It is probably not a great thing when one's therapist is living through life experiencing mostly the "dis.") I am simply discontent. (There is another "dis" word!) My parents told me to read the book of James. Funny thing- our small group spent the last 9 months reading through the book of James. (God's timing is impeccable.) Some mature friends from church told me to "figure out what recharges you." I think, God is telling me that I can't possibly become more content on my own, I can't work at being more content. It is like telling someone who is hungry, "Just don't think about it." What I need is to seek shelter in Jesus. I need more of Jesus to be recharged. I will let you know how it goes.

Happy Easter

In my mature and old age, I am realizing something: This life is just depressing.

I have had a fairly easy life, if you know me in real life, you would totally agree.
However, I have had some tough times, like fighting with my mother as an adolescent, dating Hubby long distance in med school, flunking my shelf exam for pediatrics. (If I hadn't flunked it by ONE question, I would probably be a pediatrician. And don't worry, I did pass it the second time around, my diploma is totally legit.) I also have had hard, hard, times raising these two kids, (not that hard, probably, in the grand scheme of things...) The thing is, I know life is going to get hard, harder, tough, and tougher.

Why else would wedding vows include "in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, for better and for worse?" Because, friends, there will be sickness, less money (have you seen the cost for healthcare?!) and worse times, for sure. In the end, either I will die and leave Hubby, or he will die and leave me. It is going to be hard. HARD!

I also know this because of what I hear from people at work. If it is not a rebellious daughter, then it is an un/under employed spouse, or dying parents, or infertility, or death of a child. Really, it is GOING TO SUCK.

The only hope I have is in this Easter miracle. The miracle of God's own Son, who lived through this suckiness, and WON the ultimate battle.

I can then live through the hardships of people hating me, bare the disappointments of dead dreams, and basically life. Because of the fact that Jesus, has done it all, and died for all of it. Most importantly, RISEN from the dead.

He is Risen!

Are you? ARE YOU?

Hubby and I joke around with the phrase, "Are you? ARE YOU?!" and "Do you? DO YOU?!" whenever we are asking for something actually quite obvious. Such as, "Do you want to go out to dinner? Well, do you? DO YOU?!" I think it came from our beloved show, Friends.

Lately, I feel that God is asking me, "Do you trust me, do you? DO YOU?" "Are you trusting me, are you? ARE YOU?!"

The difference is, sometimes, I don't think I trust God to take care of me, and therefore, I am not trusting Him.

There are many things in life that I really just think I know what I want, when I want it, and how I want it. Let it be schooling/extracurricular/discipline issues for A&Z, or my work issues, or Hubby's work issues, or health, money, sanity. You name it, I really do think I have it covered.

Oh... Except I really don't know what I am doing. What on earth would I think I know how to raise kids, for starters, I have never done it before! The same goes for nearly everything else in my life. In fact, I have never had to be responsible for two little people, cook three meals a day, show up to work, and manage other people's mental health problems. (Well, maybe I have a bit more experience managing other people's psychiatric issues- it has been 10 years since med school graduation, after all. Not much experience, just a bit. And lately, this bit has been quite stressful.) Anyway, I really have no idea what I am doing in life.

The reason that this blog has been dormant is because writing about how things are out of my control is not really fun/encouraging/interesting. Yes, I aim to achieve all three goals in my posts.

Therefore, I sit down and read the Book of Job. Actually, I only read the last few chapters of the Book of Job. The chapters where God spoke to Job. Essentially, it boiled down to this: "Just who do you think you are? That you know what is best?! What are you? Nuts?! Crazy?! I am the One who made you, and everything else in this world. Trust me. I will take care of you, even when the sh.t hits the fan." Perhaps my translation is a bit loose...

I ponder upon that, and the conclusion is this: (Hello! Captain Obvious!) I don't know what I am doing, I don't even know how to trust God. Please God, don't leave me! SOS! SOS! SOS!

My believing friends, I pray the same for you.

Seasons

I am afraid, dear readers, we have reached a season of life that is just hard.

Tonight, we had the pleasure of hanging out with some dear friends, friends that we "brought" with us from our days in NY. Friends that had known us as newly weds, as new parents, and ironically, we had become the parents of the older kids in the group. As we caught up on the dramas in our lives, I scarcely could remember what it was like to be in their shoes: pregnant with the second child, and wondering how on earth we were going to survive?

I actually do not have a clear idea as to how we managed, but we did manage. That season of our life just seems so incredibly long ago. Although, it really isn't. Zoe is only just about turn five.

The season we are in though, feels hard, oppressive, scary, and overwhelming. Work has been draining, there are days that I want to just close the door, sit on the couch, and use the tissues myself. Hubby is working a lot, not as much as he did when he first got out of business school, but more than the last seven years. Aidan's activities take up a lot of time. The decision as to which activities to participate in also take up A LOT of time, and wisdom, which I am afraid I don't have whole lot of. Ditto for Zoe.

Sometimes, I wonder, why did I expand all that energy to wish and pray for becoming a wife and mother? Surely, life as a single person looks pretty good right now. To not be responsible for anyone else, to do WHATEVER I want to do, WHENEVER I want to do it. All you single people out there, really, Apostle Paul knew what he was talking about.

But alas, this is the season that God has given me. For some reason, I think He knows that I need these people, to make me a better person...

Independence

Whenever I think about characters I want to build up in Aidan and Zoe, independence inevitably pops up on the top of the list. It is for a selfish reason: when they are independent, they are not dependent of me.

To clarify, I don't mean that I neglect my children maliciously. I neglect my children benignly.

You want pants? Go find pants. If you can't find your pants, why do you think I would find your pants?!

You forgot to bring your hockey stick for practice? That is a bummer. Well, you better find someone who has a stick to lend you! It is not my job to bring your gear. It is your job.

Of course, I expect more from Aidan than Zoe. I mean, she is just nearly-five. Still, same rules apply.

You left your lovey at school? I am sure your lovey will have a great time at that sleep over. You are upset? Sorry, sweetie. It is not my job to remember to bring that home.

Tonight, we reached a new milestone. Hubby had gotten tickets to see the Sharks play, as a special treat for Aidan and him. In order for Aidan to make it there, Hubby needed to come up north, get him, then go south again. With the nutty traffic hour, that was going to be a colossal waste of his time. If I drove Aidan south to meet up with Hubby, I would then have to drive north to go home, which would have been a huge waste of my time, and Zoe's time. At least an hour of sitting. in. traffic.

So we decided to put Aidan on the train. Over break, I took Aidan and Zoe on the train to go to Daddy's office for lunch. Then, Hubby took Aidan on the train again, but didn't talk to him once they reached the train station- Aidan got himself on and off the train, when we went to church last Sunday. Of course, Aidan had some reservations about this. It didn't help, that as we drove to the train station, the news radio started to talk about an eight year old boy from San Francisco, kidnapped and missing.

I had told him that I would pray for an angel to help him. When we got to the train station, I saw this lady, Kate, and I knew, she would be the angel that God had sent for this. She graciously chatted with us, and helped Aidan to find a seat on the train, and said that she would be sure that he got off at the designated stop.

I saw them off, at 5:22, and at 5:48, Hubby had gotten the package.

I am so proud. So thankful of God's angels. I must also tell you the story of Gabriella, an angel we met in Munich, another day.

When Aidan and Zoe really leave us, I will probably regret making independence a priority. I will be eating those words...

If You Give Zoe...

If you give Zoe a hug, she is going to ask for another one.

You will hug her, the smell of your hair, thanks to peppermint shampoo, is going to remind her of candy canes, and she will ask for one.

You will give her a candy cane, she will want to make candy cane crafts.

You will find the papers and crayons for her, then she will ask for her Hello Kitty scissors.

You will look all over the house, only to find the cover for those scissors, which will remind her of the fun trip she had buying those scissors at the mall. She will ask you to take her to the mall.

You will take her to the mall. Upon entering the mall, she will see the pretzel shop and she will want to have a pretzel.

You will buy her a pretzel, and she will gobble that up. Then she will want a drink from Nordstrom's cafe.

You will take her to the cafe for some Italian soda. When you are there, she will remember that Nordstrom sells shoes. She will ask for a pair.

You will take her upstairs to try on shoes, and she will choose the most expensive pair.

You will pay for the shoes, she will see some red and white striped pajamas in the children's section, which will remind her of the candy cane. She will then ask you to get those scissors and go home to make the crafts.

She will show you her finished crafts, and chances are, she will look so cute that you will give her a hug.

When you give her a hug, she will smell the peppermint, and she is going to ask for some candy canes to eat.